Magic Didn't Last

One of things I find myself struggling with the most recently is feeling incomplete. On this past weekend, Sam, Carter and I were in Bridal Falls camping. We had been to the same campground a little over a year ago but that time Sofia was with us. It was one of the very last times we would vacation together with her. Oddly though, I wasn't really affected by the familiar scenery and most of the memories that spun in my head over the weekend were happy memories that made me smile more than invoke a feeling a sadness. What did affect me though was seeing so many families enjoying their camping experience together; presumably with their families still intact. Every father with their daughter got to me. Every girl that even remotely resembled Sofia got to me. Seeing siblings playing together got to me. And this very odd feeling would come over me occasionally like everyone was staring at me; somehow knowing we were missing someone who was with us the last time we were there.  For those...

 In the first few days following after Sofia passed away, she would appear almost immediately in my dreams when I fell asleep. Never really as part of any elaborate story or adventure. Just there; being herself and being with me. Oddly though following those first few days, I wouldn't see her again....until last night. And I have Carter to thank for that. The longer this absence from my dreams went on, the more I was becoming annoyed. I don't dream often or if I do, I don't always recall them when I wake up. But I certainly remember a dozen or more times since those early days waking up and recalling a dream from the previous night's sleep that did not include Sofia. I think about her practically all day long so how was it possible she wouldn't be so present in my subconscious as to appear as a regular in my nightly hallucinations? Late last week, Carter and I were in the car on our way home from an event we had attended together and I asked him if he ever had dream...

 Last week someone, who has become quite important to our family over the past few months, recommended a book to me. The book is called Finding The Words.  The author, Colin Campbell, lost two children in a car accident in 2019 and he writes about his journey with grief. I purchased the audiobook yesterday and began to listen to it this morning on my run. As I listened to the first chapter, I couldn't believe how closely the author's thoughts on grief aligned with my own experience and instincts. It felt as though I was somehow talking him through every keystroke he was making as he wrote his book. I probably looked quite odd to my fellow runners on the track this morning as I nodded by head aggressively as I ran while agreeing so passionately with so much of what I was hearing. In this first chapter called "A Crash Course in Grief", he actually speaks about many of the things I have written here in earlier blog posts. Often using nearly identical words as I had. Spea...

Later today (as I write this), Sam and I are going to have lunch with one of our favourite people in the world. Someone I haven’t seen for a long time but someone who sure meant a lot to us while Sofia was in Children’s Hospital. Yesterday when plans were being firmed up, Sam asked on behalf of our lunch partner if the visit might be a trigger for me. Knowing I wasn’t feeling too good, it was an extremely kind and considerate thing to ask. But, in that moment, I just kind of laughed to myself and simply said “No…can’t wait to see her”. There’s no doubt the lunch will trigger so many emotions for me. But I have triggers with every step I take every single day. When you love someone as much as we loved Sofia, “triggers” or more appropriately, memories, are everywhere.  When my mom was alive she would knit these amazing blankets for kids. She knit some for Jacob, Kaitlynn, Carter and many of our friends’ kids as well. Sofia would be born a couple years after my mom passed away so she ...

When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how often I would post. Early on, I was in a pretty good head space and felt like I had a lot to say. Or at least, a lot to release. I ended up writing 3 blog entries within the first couple of weeks. It’s been well over a month now since I last made a blog post. To be honest, I haven’t been in the best head space. The last 4-5 weeks have been the most difficult so far. Writing and expressing myself comes more naturally to me when I'm feeling good. Or at least when I feel like I have control over how I am coping with the emotional swings. Recently I haven't been feeling as in control and I've started to feel more moments of anger and intense sadness than I was before. So today, I'm forcing myself to write. With a hope that releasing some of this in words will help me transition to a better place. It's hard to know exactly why these past few weeks are more difficult than the days and weeks that preceded them. But I think I can ...