Tough stretch

When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure how often I would post. Early on, I was in a pretty good head space and felt like I had a lot to say. Or at least, a lot to release. I ended up writing 3 blog entries within the first couple of weeks.

It’s been well over a month now since I last made a blog post. To be honest, I haven’t been in the best head space. The last 4-5 weeks have been the most difficult so far. Writing and expressing myself comes more naturally to me when I'm feeling good. Or at least when I feel like I have control over how I am coping with the emotional swings. Recently I haven't been feeling as in control and I've started to feel more moments of anger and intense sadness than I was before. So today, I'm forcing myself to write. With a hope that releasing some of this in words will help me transition to a better place.

It's hard to know exactly why these past few weeks are more difficult than the days and weeks that preceded them. But I think I can attribute it to 3 main contributing factors:

1) Work

2) Lack of alone time

3) Milestone Dates

Work

I returned to work originally on March 11th. Sofia was settling into her new chemo and immunotherapy routine at the time and my leave of absence from work was changing from a "compassionate care leave" to a "discretionary leave". What that meant was my benefits were no longer covered by my company. Our savings were starting to deplete a bit more rapidly already so that extra cost would be a challenge. As a result, I felt it was best for our family that I return to work after being off since July 19th of 2023. My first few weeks back were jarring to say the least. I struggled to find purpose at work and I had a hard time being away from Sofia. My return to work wouldn't last long.

Exactly a month later, on April 11th, I would take another leave from work. This one ended up being much shorter. Sofia was admitted to the hospital on April 11th and passed away less than 3 days later. I would take another couple of weeks off work before returning again on April 29th.

Almost immediately upon my permanent return from work, it felt like the volume of work exceeded what I could reasonably expect to accomplish. And in the weeks that have followed, that feeling would only increase. I've done my very best to find that balance between family and work. I've set boundaries for time I'm willing to allocate to work and I've made sure I allocate time for my family too. But no matter how well I think I've done finding that balance, I can't shake this feeling like I'm still cheating my family. And myself.

Before losing Sofia, I used to hear of awful things happening to other people and think to myself "That's awful and I feel terrible for them but that will never happen to me". Needless to say, I don't think that way anymore. In fact, I might have swung too far the other way. To the point where I now worry that something horrible may actually happen to me again. It's not a feeling that sits with me all the time. I think it's more this understanding that nothing in life should be taken for granted and I need to be grateful for every moment. In general, I think that's a great perspective to have. But like most good things, there's often unintended consequences.

The unintended consequence I've found with this is that every time I miss something because of work, I feel an intense guilt and worry a bit that the moment, the memory I'm missing, may not exist again. I'm conscious and aware enough to know this is an overreaction. But the reality is I returned to work on March 11th and Sofia passed away barely a month after. Being at work for those 5 weeks meant I missed a lot of moments with her I never get again. So I can acknowledge logically it's an overreaction and know that work is important and I shouldn't feel guilty doing something that provides for my family. But, emotionally, I don't connect with that truth.

The weekend before Sofia passed away, Sam had a girls trip and I spent the weekend alone with both kids. I feel so lucky to have had this time with them. We all went to watch a baseball game together on that Sunday and that's where this picture was taken. 

Lack of Alone Time

As someone who leans more introverted than extroverted socially, I tend to lose energy in social situations and gain energy when I'm on my own or, at the very least, in a comfortable social environment.

Since mid June, I've had almost zero time to myself. And I've spent a considerable amount of time in situations that really require a lot from me. Meaning I have felt completely empty at the end of most days and it was becoming harder and harder for me to recover everyday.

Most of the things that were preventing me from having time alone were good though. For example, I helped coach Carter's summer baseball team for 6 weeks. It was an absolute blast overall and I loved spending that time with him. But it was a pretty busy schedule for me for those 6 weeks as I would often have a full day of work before rushing to get to our 2-2.5 hour practices. And then our weekends were jammed full of tournament games. A ton of fun for sure but between work and coaching, I felt like I was "on stage" for a significant portion of most days. And couldn't find enough time on my own to recharge.

Any time I did find time to myself was usually during my morning runs. Possibly because the time to myself was so limited during this period, I found myself funnelling a lot of emotion into these runs. It was like everything I would feel subconsciously throughout the day before would then be released with each running stride. So while my runs could feel therapeutic at times, this particular time on my own wasn't too effective at recharging.

6 Weeks of Summer Ball was busy. But it sure was fun and Carter did so well. What made me most proud was how amazing he was a teammate. 

Milestone Days

During the middle of this stretch were a couple of very big milestone days for our family. The first was July 16th. Sofia's birthday. And the second, just a few days later on July 19th. Our first day in Children's Hospital and the day we learned Sofia was sick.

In 2023, Sofia wasn't feeling great leading into her 3rd birthday. I don't even recall having a party for her. Maybe we did one or maybe we had one planned. I honestly can't remember. One of the things Sam and I would talk most about during the months that would follow was how awesome we wanted Sofia's next birthday to be. We were hopeful she'd be feeling better and on the road towards winning her battle with cancer. And Sam, especially, was hellbent on having the most incredible 4th birthday anyone had ever seen. As you all know, Sofia didn't make it to her 4th birthday. Instead, we celebrated July 16th at the Gardens of Gethsemani. A Catholic cemetery where Sofia's ashes are held within her niche. Sam, Carter and Jacob were with me. I tried to make the best of it and I think I was pretty successful. We blew bubbles in her honour and later that night, we had ice cream in White Rock and walked the pier together. But nothing we could have done that day would be enough. It was so, so sad to spend that very special day without her. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing I haven't quite come to terms with how hard that day was for me. I've done a good job putting on a mask and being brave for my family. Especially that day for Carter and for Jacob. But I'm alone at home right now writing this. No mask needed right now. And I'm hurting. I miss her so much.

Sofia's birthday "cake" on her 3rd birthday

July 19th might have been harder for me. At least on that day. This might sound a bit odd but the reality is I don't have a really strong mental image or memory from any of Sofia's 3 birthdays. I obviously remember very clearly the day she was born but the July 16s in 2021, 2022 or 2023 don't especially stand out for me. But what does stand out for me and will forever be etched in my memory is the images from July 19th of 2023.

• The moment in the Maple Ridge Hospital when I held her hand tightly while she had her ultrasound before we knew what was happening. This was the moment I knew something was wrong. As I held Sofia's hand and tried to make her feel safe, I noticed from the corner of my eye the face of the ultrasound technician. I knew she could see something. And, in that moment, I started to brace myself mentally for the news I'd hear soon after.
• The moment that news was shared. When the doctor asked Sam and I to join her away from the kids in a separate room. 
• The moment following that news when I returned to the room to be with Sofia and Carter. I would join them on the bed and tried to act like everything was okay. When everything was most definitely not okay.
• The very long moment on the drive from our house to Children's Hospital that day. Over an hour of a drive and Sam and I didn't say a word to each other. I have no idea what she was thinking but I'm sure, like me, she was running through 1,000s of scenarios. Not knowing at all what was coming next.
• The moment when Sofia would have to have her first poke. The first of so, so many more.
• The moment Sofia and I made cool necklaces together. Both pretending everything was normal.

This is the necklace moment I'm talking about. We would play with this bracelet and headband kit for weeks!

Those moments are all etched in my brain and I can recall those images as if they happened yesterday. And there's so many more from that day and the few days that would follow immediately after. July 19th is the day my life changed forever. And while most of those moments I mention above are hard memories for me, the reality is that I have so many incredible, beautiful memories from July 19th 2023 until April 14 2024 with Sofia. And so, for me, this milestone is one that is really hard for me to fully understand how to feel. It's complex. It's the day that ultimately begins a journey to will eventually deliver me to the worst day of my life. But also the day that stopped me so suddenly and forced me to be present with Sofia for every moment that would follow.

On July 19 of 2023, I had no idea how much time I had left with Sofia. I remember on that long drive to Children's Hospital wondering if she would even last the night. I had no idea what was going on. I'm so very grateful I had many more days and nights with her. But I'm also angry I didn't have even more.

Recently, I've probably spent more time feeling angry than grateful. I'm sure I'll have stretches like this again in the future but I'm hoping I will start to turn a corner soon. My schedule is a bit lighter now than it was earlier in the summer and I have some other things in the works that will help too. I'm hopeful and I still have so much to be thankful for. But I think it's okay to admit when I'm not feeling too good as well. I have a feeling acknowledging that in writing and being more public about it might help too.

I appreciate all of you taking time to read.