Advice from a 7 year old

 In the first few days following after Sofia passed away, she would appear almost immediately in my dreams when I fell asleep. Never really as part of any elaborate story or adventure. Just there; being herself and being with me. Oddly though following those first few days, I wouldn't see her again....until last night. And I have Carter to thank for that.

The longer this absence from my dreams went on, the more I was becoming annoyed. I don't dream often or if I do, I don't always recall them when I wake up. But I certainly remember a dozen or more times since those early days waking up and recalling a dream from the previous night's sleep that did not include Sofia. I think about her practically all day long so how was it possible she wouldn't be so present in my subconscious as to appear as a regular in my nightly hallucinations?

Late last week, Carter and I were in the car on our way home from an event we had attended together and I asked him if he ever had dreams while he was sleeping. He offered only a simple answer of YES so I had to dig deeper. I asked what kind of dreams. He replied that sometimes he has bad ones and sometimes they are good. I clarified with him by asking if "bad ones" meant nightmares and he said yes. I asked if he had any recent examples and his reply was.... "too inappropriate to share". An equally hilarious and frightening response. In the moment, I was a bit too nervous to dig any deeper about these nightmares and chose to circle back later. Instead, I pivoted towards what I hoped would be good dreams for him and I asked him very directly if he ever dreamed of Sofia. He replied very matter of factly, in a way that felt as though she was still here with him in a way she wasn't with me, that yes sometimes she's in his dreams. He went on to say she's not the main star in the dream, just near him. As she was often while she was alive. I pictured the hundreds of times Carter would be outside playing with his neighbourhood friends with Sofia nearby but not directly engaged with him. That's how I imagined it in my head at least.

I was happy for Carter that he got to enjoy being with Sofia while asleep. But remained very annoyed that I wasn't getting the same opportunity. I told Carter I hadn't had a dream about Sofia for over 4 months and expressed to him that it made me sad. He barely even paused before he replied, "Oh it's easy, you just have to talk to her". It was as if I had asked him how to do something on one of the video games he's so familiar with (yeah dad...just hit the A button...duh!). Obviously I was a bit thrown off and needed to hear more so I asked a quick follow up question and he elaborated. He said that if I want to have her appear in my dreams, I just need to talk to her before I go to bed. He recommended I could say things like "We love you Sofia", "We miss you Sofia" or "Hope you're having fun up there". It was clear that this was likely a routine he, himself, was carrying out nightly as the examples came flowing without any thought.

So, for every night since, I would talk to Sofia before bed. Just in my head. I would say the things Carter told me to say. And, after only a few attempts, Sofia appeared in my dreams again!!!

Like Carter's dreams, she wasn't the star of the dream. As a matter of fact, I hardly remember now what the dream was even about. But I woke up in the middle of the night with a vivid recollection of Sofia making her return appearance. She looked just as I remembered her and even offered up one of her patented little smirks. It was absolutely amazing.

I woke up for good a few hours later and immediately started to reflect on the whole thing. Happy I saw her again but mostly amazed at Carter's advice and the way in which he delivered it to me that day. One of the many, many things I've learned over the past few months is just how amazing and capable young kids are. In particular how they process the loss of a loved one and how they grieve and honor them in their absence. It's so much more direct than it is for me. In the most amazing way. And I think this was just another great example of that.

Carter is missing his sister, Sofia, so he talks to her. And then she appears in his dreams. And he doesn't feel the loss as much as he might have otherwise. He's holding on tightly to that connection he's always had with her. A connection not even death could break. And one, I know, he will hold tight to forever. 

We can learn a lot from our kids. The main lesson I am taking away is: 

If you want something, just ask for it. You never know...it might just happen :)

Carter was made to be a big brother. Their relationship was, and remains, so special