Puzzle Pieces

One of things I find myself struggling with the most recently is feeling incomplete.

On this past weekend, Sam, Carter and I were in Bridal Falls camping. We had been to the same campground a little over a year ago but that time Sofia was with us. It was one of the very last times we would vacation together with her. Oddly though, I wasn't really affected by the familiar scenery and most of the memories that spun in my head over the weekend were happy memories that made me smile more than invoke a feeling a sadness. What did affect me though was seeing so many families enjoying their camping experience together; presumably with their families still intact. Every father with their daughter got to me. Every girl that even remotely resembled Sofia got to me. Seeing siblings playing together got to me. And this very odd feeling would come over me occasionally like everyone was staring at me; somehow knowing we were missing someone who was with us the last time we were there. 

For those who may have found their way to this blog and don't know me or my whole family that well, I have 3 other kids along with Sofia. Kaitlynn, 26, lives in Fort St John and works as an RCMP officer. Jacob, 23, lives in Kelowna and attends UBC Okanagan. Carter, 7, lives with Sam and I in Maple Ridge and is just about to start grade 3.

Kaitlynn and Jacob have had an incredibly close relationship since the beginning. They are 3.5 years apart and I can't remember a time where they didn't get along. The gap between Carter and his older siblings is pretty significant but he loves them both a ton and they've always been amazing older siblings to him. Kaitlynn lived nearby when Carter was younger as she attended school locally before joining the RCMP. Jacob would live part time with Carter, Sam and I for the first few years of Carter's life before he left to start university. Jacob moving out was tough on Carter as, for the first time in his young life, he was the only kid in our home. But not for long....

Sofia was born during the summer of 2020; almost exactly a year after Jacob had left. From the second we came home with Sofia, I immediately knew that Carter and Sofia would have that same bond that Jacob and Kaitlynn have enjoyed. My family felt complete. Kaitlynn and Jacob had each other and now Carter and Sofia had each other. And all 4 of them together felt to me like puzzle pieces that clicked together with perfect precision; as if it was all meant to be.

For me as a parent, Sofia felt like my final exam. I had Kaitlynn when I was 18 and Jacob when I was 21. In many ways, still a kid myself, I did all I could to be the very best father I could for them and I tried so hard to provide a life for them they would recall fondly as they grew old. But I had learned so much in the 23 years between Kaitlynn and Sofia and this was an opportunity for me to use everything I had learned and be better. From the things I did well to the many times I messed up; I had an opportunity to apply those learnings one last time. And, for nearly 4 years, I felt like I was doing just that; and doing it well.

Everything felt right. But now I can't help but feel like that puzzle I thought had been completed so beautifully is now missing its final piece. My wife, Samantha, said the same in her own words last night too. She told me she felt like a hand of hers was empty. While holding Carter’s hand on the weekend, she felt an imbalance without Sofia there holding the other. 

I love Kaitlynn, Jacob and Carter so much and they all make me so proud every day. I'm grateful to call them all my children. I just miss Sofia. She completed our family.

I started this post talking about camping at Bridal Falls. Even though I had moments of frustration or grieving (and a rain storm that soaked us for the first 2 days), it was still an awesome trip. We spent the weekend with the most incredible family; Jeff, Danielle and their 3 kids. These 5 have meant so much to us over the past year and I found a lot of comfort being with all of them in a place with so many memories.

Kaitlynn at her graduation from RCMP in Regina. Kaitlynn spent 6 months in Regina at RCMP Depot before being placed in Fort St John.

Jacob stopped by the hospital soon after Sofia was admitted. This picture is from one of my most memorable moments during her initial hospital stay. Sofia was not feeling well at all and was incredibly grumpy. I even warned Jacob before he arrived. It wasn't long after Jacob arrived that Sofia was smiling ear to ear.

I have so many pictures to choose from that all look like this. From day one, Carter loved being a big brother.

One of my favourite photos from our trip last year to Bridal Falls was a photo of Carter, Sofia and their neighbours Zach and Olivia. Tried to re-create that one a bit with Carter, Gavin, Maeve and Braxton. Went from bathing suits to rain jackets!