Triggers

Later today (as I write this), Sam and I are going to have lunch with one of our favourite people in the world. Someone I haven’t seen for a long time but someone who sure meant a lot to us while Sofia was in Children’s Hospital. Yesterday when plans were being firmed up, Sam asked on behalf of our lunch partner if the visit might be a trigger for me. Knowing I wasn’t feeling too good, it was an extremely kind and considerate thing to ask. But, in that moment, I just kind of laughed to myself and simply said “No…can’t wait to see her”. There’s no doubt the lunch will trigger so many emotions for me. But I have triggers with every step I take every single day. When you love someone as much as we loved Sofia, “triggers” or more appropriately, memories, are everywhere. 

When my mom was alive she would knit these amazing blankets for kids. She knit some for Jacob, Kaitlynn, Carter and many of our friends’ kids as well. Sofia would be born a couple years after my mom passed away so she didn't have one of her own. But still, Sofia's favourite blanket would be one of those blankets my mom had made for Carter over 6 years ago. Sofia would call it her “pop it blanket”. It had large loops that would allow her to pop her fingers through it. It was one of the few required items for every hospital trip and an absolute must for Sofia to sleep with every night. Her final rest would be with this blanket too. For nearly every night since Sofia hasn’t been alive to hold her blanket tight at night, I do it for her. I bring it with me to bed just as she would. There’s no bigger “trigger” for me and yet I embrace it each and every night. 

The reality is I see Sofia in nearly everything. The things you might expect like walking into her bedroom, pictures and videos of her or in places we’d frequently visit together. But I see and feel Sofia in things you might not expect too. In the odd shapes a cloud might make or the beautiful colours that reflect upon it during a fleeting sunset. I feel her deeply with the melodic sounds of the birds that chirp each morning at our house; sounds I oddly don’t recall hearing before. These moments do surface a lot of pain, of course. But the joy, happiness, laughter and love easily exceed the pain. So rather than spend my days trying to avoid these triggers, I tend to run towards them instead. I’ll gladly accept a bit of pain to feel her with me again; even if just for that ever so brief moment. 

A few pictures of Sofia and the blanket. Apparently she also loved those green PJs :)