Taking a break

For years, I’ve felt as though I’m drifting down a river. Sometimes it's a very enjoyable ride, the gentle rapids even offering a subtle, soothing bounce. Other times, the current becomes a relentless force, rocketing me through the fiercest of waters, my kayak constantly threatening to capsize. Even in those most threatening situations though, I’ve always managed to steady myself. But the ride down the river never stops. It’s an unending drift, and the longer I float, the stronger my desire grows to find a way to stop it—if only for a moment.

I’ve long wished to press pause on life, to step away from the daily noise and immerse myself in a different environment for a while. I've felt that if I could step away for a bit, I could properly reflect on the life I’ve lived so far and what the future could hold if I approached it with newfound clarity and intention. And, more recently, I've craved an opportunity to find space and time to heal and rebuild myself. Samantha spent much of her youth in Mazatlan, Mexico—just a 4.5-hour flight south of Vancouver. It seemed natural, then, to make the target of my escape this incredible city on the Pacific Coast of Mexico. That's been our aim for many years and though there have been countless setbacks, the desire never waned.

This yearning for a pause is rooted in three things: family, loss, and the lessons they’ve imparted

I think the first time I vividly remember craving this pause in an intense way was in 2018. My mom had passed away after multiple battles with cancer. We knew for years that she would die and her final few months did provide a sense of certainty. Yet, I still felt sincere shock when that day finally came. The days and weeks that followed her passing would be the first warning I’d get that life won’t slow down around you; even if you feel as though it should or that you think it might be a crucial part of your recovery. Through the fault of no one, life just carried on as it had before. Not in a bad way…just back to the normal routine that preceded her passing away. Soccer practices for Jacob, Carter busy as ever as a toddler, Canucks missing the playoffs (again!). And work. I went back to work the day after.

In 2019, a similar but more prolonged experience unfolded when my father fell gravely ill. His condition deteriorated to the point where he was admitted to the ICU, placed in a medically induced coma, and given low odds of survival. My Dad lives on Vancouver Island which is about a 3 hour trip from here that includes a ferry ride. I managed to reach the hospital quickly that first day, and I was fortunate that my job at the time allowed me to work remotely during that first week as we waited, hoping for a miracle. Incredibly, my Dad would defy the odds and start showing signs he would survive his illness. Great news for sure but he had such a long, intense recovery and rehabilitation left. I wished I could have spent more time with him during those early months where he was confined to hospital rooms recovering from his multiple surgeries and procedures. I would visit every time I went to the island for work but that wasn't typically more than once a month. And like before, life just carried on around me. When i reflect back, I realize this is likely the first time I started to resent my work a bit. Not because anyone treated me poorly or I was in a bad work environment. Just simply that I felt trapped. I needed the money to provide for my family and the flexibility work offered didn’t adequately allow me the space at that time to be present like I wanted to. Or to recover and process everything like I probably needed to.

The most recent example is one I haven’t been able to push through. Again, it’s no one’s fault but I returned to work in my current job 2 weeks after Sofia passed away. I had been away from work from July 2023 to March 2024 and had only just returned to work before I left again a month later when Sofia's health deteriorated suddenly. Weird as this may sound, I felt bad that I had left so soon after coming back. And I had just started to gain some traction with the team. I never even considered staying away longer and I actually don’t regret the decision. I'm certain the experience I describe below would have been waiting for me whenever I chose to return.

For those who don’t know, I currently work for a very large Canadian organization and my role there is leading a region of their retail stores. The majority of these stores are located in malls so they are open 7 days a week and often late into the evening. Because of that and the nature of most sales leaders like myself, it’s a job that doesn’t easily allow you to disconnect. Even if I could better control my ability to ignore those late night and weekend notifications, it’s not always what you want to do. When things are going well, you want to be apart of it. And when things aren’t going well, you feel a responsibility to lead your team through the fight. I work with some great people and the company has treated me fairly. But for what I need right now, it’s not a good fit for me. It's been a challenging mental exercise choosing to dedicate the time necessary every day to meet the demands of my work. Family had always been my anchor, where I found the most joy and fulfilment and that feeling has only intensified since Sofia was diagnosed. So taking time away from family now when I need them the most has been hard. Being with Sofia during her treatments, I also witnessed so many incredible people using their time and resources to have a positive impact on others. That experience left a lasting impression and I crave opportunities to impact more than I have. As much I my work might produce results that are meaningful to somebody and I hope that I've had a positive impact on my team, my work since I returned has not felt as meaningful or fulfilling to me. And I have constant anxiety about what I might be missing or how I could have used my time differently.

My mom passed away at 63 before she ever retired. My dad survived his own health scare but saw his plans for life after work completely upended very soon after he did retire. In the moment, I remember feeling as though these were very clear signs that I shouldn’t wait to do things most might postpone until their career is finished. Clear evidence that nothing in life is guaranteed and I should be careful not to waste today simply on the hope that tomorrow will be there waiting for me. I tried to act on those signs but it would be Sofia that ultimately gave me the courage and inspiration to finally follow through. Her life was the shortest and yet, somehow, the most impactful. She always found light in the dark and she taught me, once and for all, our time on earth is short…be careful how you count the hours.

After many failed or half-hearted attempts, we’re finally making it happen. Today is my last day of work and in a couple of weeks, we’re heading south. We’ve rented an apartment in Mazatlan through the end of January. Carter will join us for the entire trip and Kaitlynn and Jacob will join us for a portion of December. We fully intend to return home to Canada at the end of our time away. We love our life here and we have so many reasons why this will always be our home. But I’m so excited to experience a life away from here for a bit. Im excited to spend time with Carter and Sam without all of life’s normal distractions. I’m excited to settle into new routines anchored around family and healing. I'm excited to spend time with friends we don't see often. I’m excited to improve my Spanish. I’m excited to spend Christmas in a sunny climate and experience new traditions. Mainly though, I’m just excited to temporarily stop feeling like I'm drifting down that river. I know the river will be there waiting for me again. This is just like a branch above the water I can grab onto for a bit to rest. To reflect, recover and gain some clarity on what comes next for me.

Some pictures of Mazatlan and our last trip there

Carter and Sofia striking poses by the pool with a beautiful sunset behind them.

One of my favorite photos of Sofia. In downtown Mazatlan blowing bubbles like she so often did.

Carter watching the local professional baseball team, Los Venados. Their season started recently and we plan to watch a ton of their games this winter. Carter and I love baseball.

Mazatlan is a beautiful place. There's a 21km malecon (boardwalk) that follows the ocean through the city. There's lots to see and explore; including the historic downtown area which is especially beautiful at night in the lights. And the most welcoming, inclusive and caring people you will ever meet. (Kinda like the one I married)